Beta Dog
by Ruse
Summary: Shane's thoughts before he tries to kill Rick. Dark, twisted, language riddled.


Beta Dog

Author: AngelRuse

Summary: Mental note to Rick. I love you. PS you're dead. Love Shane.

Disclaimer: I don't own it. I don't profit off it. More's the pity!

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Fuckin' Rick.

Daddy always said brothers fight and that's that when I'd rat on mine. I used to sit back and think, _That's a fine thing for you to say, you son of a bitch, you ain't got any_. Even called him on it once. Well, you know what kids are like. I was full of piss and vinegar. I never saw the back of a belt quicker than that. Get the old man going after he's knocked back a few, and well, that's that, as he would say.

He was right though. He was always right about the things I wanted him to be wrong about. I hated him for that and bein' the hard ass he was, he'd just watch me hate him with that quiet way he had.

Damned, if I didn't think I could love you like a brother without seein' that other side. Kid's games, Rick. That's all that was between me and my brothers. This thing between us... I never saw it comin'.

That day you came back, that day in the camp, you know the first thing I thought of? That night out behind the Olmsteads' barn, with the sisters. You told me not to toss that beer can into the bonfire, but of course I was stubborn jackass with a girl to impress. It wasn't so much the fire I remembered, though, or the girls screamin', or even Ol' Olmstead threatening to 'cawl the law!' as he chased us off his property. I remembered you punchin' my shoulder in the car and then us laughin' for the next half hour, parked at that old picnic area down the way. I still got spots on my arm, scores from that hot beer. Those girls were never allowed to see us again.

I sit back and I wonder why that thought would pop into my head first, you know? It wasn't guilt or joy or anger I felt first. It was like reliving an old memory so long gone what you felt then seems like a dream. In this world of walkers you just don't feel those feelings anymore. Innocent stupidity is a quick way to death, 'cause it don't take much these days. Laughin' your ass off in a truck'll see you laughin' your ass off in a pine box 'cause the walkers don't rest.

I was meeting an old friend again when you came back, and meeting an old self that I didn't know how to reconcile with the new Shane. Not that I would have even realized it then, but a man alone has a lot of time to think. That memory was out of place in this world, those feelings were out of place, and I came more and more to realize that you, Rick. You're out of place.

I been watchin' you, Rick. Ranger Fuckin' Rick. You was always, 'kind as a sweet berry pie', isn't that what Ol' Mrs. Pickman used to say? Shit, don't you think I wanted to be that way, Rick? You always knew the right thing to do, always had your diplomatic words and that gawdawful patience. And that was fine when you were dealing with reasonable people, Rick, but these people? These walkers?

I guess a barn full of walkers is the humane thing to do, isn't it? Find the person that used to be inside? Nurse 'em back to health? Seems to me the humane thing would be to keep the people you got safe and alive, 'cause there ain't nothing left inside a walker but hunger and death. You knew it and I knew it. Difference is, I took care of it. And don't you tell me a part of you isn't glad I took the burden off those high and mighty shoulders of yours. The white knight's still clean and the dirty work is done. And who they left glarin' at, huh?

Yeah, I get it. People naturally wanna follow a man like you. Hell, I followed you around like a damn puppy all my life. And that's fine for a time when savin' the day is just a nine-to-five, when you got the luxury of lovin' somebody for savin' your soul while you're savin' their ass. But the thing is, Rick, ain't nobody got a soul anymore. A soul gets you killed, just like it did Dale.

That's why you don't belong in this world. That soul of yours is gonna get Lori and Carl and the baby killed, 'cause you don't know how to do the dirty work that'll save them. This world changes you, man, or it kills you, and that's that. And don't you think I don't see you hatin' me for bein' right. And the longer you hold onto that hope, that old self…

If this was about you and me and some woman between us, don't you think I'd just let it go? Let you have her? Brothers fight, after all. Kid stuff. No, we're talking about death breathing down your neck every minute of every fuckin' day, day in and day out, and if you think I'm gonna let you get _my_ child killed 'cause you ain't got the balls to do what's gotta be done…

You see what you do to me, Rick? Bitch of it is despite all that, I love you. I hate you for bein' what I can't be, what I ain't got the luxury of bein'. But I love you for the same damn reason. And that's the worst thing of all, because bein' loved by you is like a drug for a lost soul, and it makes you weak.

One day it'll happen, Rick. I see it plain as day. You're gonna go on and she's gonna die because you can't do what's gotta be done. And then it's all gonna fall apart on you. You're gonna realize this world ain't made for good guys, that you're the reason everything you've ever loved is gone, and there is no hope but what we steal, cheat and murder to get.

You ain't gonna be that white knight anymore. And I'd sooner see you dead as broken like that.

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A/N: I dunno where this came from. :-o Listening to Madeleine's Lament on the Interview with a Vampire soundtrack. ;-)


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